Wednesday, November 3, 2010

LOGLINES Melting in Chocolate: Take Two!!

So I’m late. Somehow I missed the ‘three day revision’ part of Steen’s Logline Blogfest. I’ve deleted and postponed my original post for today and am laying down the hammer on my logline.

I'm posting a two sentence and a one sentence. I worked on these while sitting in two separate doctor's offices for about four hours this morning. Phew...my daughter finally got her foot cast off and is now in a boot. Yay!! Still no foot pressure but at least she can take a shower. LOL

I plan on writing a post on my procedure (and using all I learned from all of you on Monday), for coming up with these later. I'd really love your input. Thank you! 

Two sentences:
When tomboy Anastasia's hidden empathic abilities flare after sharing a vision with the haughty boy at her new prep school, she vows to prove him a fraud. Her stubborn search and odd attraction to him lure her into his curse, and unless she can accept her abilities and trust him, she will lose her mind and never understand their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart.

One sentence:
When tomboy Anastasia's despised empathic abilities intensify after sharing a vision with a boy she suspects isn't human, she ignites his curse but also his lifeless heart -- if she fails to accept her abilities and trust him, she will never understand their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart. 

(I owe this one to my awesome friend Dianne S. If you're not following her you should be.)
Don't forget to check out some of the other writer's edited loglines through Mr. Linky on Chocolate Reality!!


(Steena, looks like I'm using my one-liner. Thank you, again!)

13 comments:

  1. Sheri, I'm not sure if I absolutely love either of these... Here are my issues:

    When teen spitfire [not sure about this word, it seems like something a parent would say!] Anastasia shares a vision with the boy she suspects isn't totally human, her despised empathic abilities intensify and give her an insatiable desire for him [this felt really long at the end. Could it just be "her despised empathic abilities intensify her desire for him"?]. Searching to prove him a fraud ignites his sanity-hungry curse [this didn't make sense. Who's searching? And the searching ignites a curse?], and unless she accepts her abilities and true feelings from him trusting him [didn't understand this - "him trusting him?"], she will never discover her death is the cure to save them both.

    One sentence:

    When teen spitfire [same issue as above] Anastasia’s despised [this makes it sound like others despite the abilities, not her...] empathic abilities intensify after sharing a vision with a boy she suspects isn’t human, she struggles to prove him a fraud and ignites his sanity-hungry [wasn't sure what sanity hungry means!] curse—if she fails to accept her abilities and their mutual attraction, she will never see their salvation lies hidden within the last beat of her heart [this was kind of vague - I liked that it was spelled out clearly above].

    I think if you somehow merge these two, it will all work out :)

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  2. Hey Sheri, wow, these have come such a long way!!! I think there's a couple of teensy tweaks needed, but these are going to rock! :)

    My thoughts on the first logline:

    (1) I think you could drop "teen", as it will be clear when you submit for YA that she's a teen. (2) the phrase "despised empathic abilities intensify" is a bit unwieldy and interrupts the flow a little. What about "her empathic abilities betray her by..." That implies she isn't totally happy with them as well...just a thought (3) yeah, not sure what "sanity-hungry curse" is, can you clarify? (4) with "from him trusting him", did you mean "by trusting him"?

    With the second pitch, (1) ditto with the comments from above, (2)I really liked this line "their salvation lies hidden within the last beat of her heart" :)

    Hope this helps :)

    Rach

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  3. Sheri, I think the second one is definitely an improvement over the first one, which I really had trouble following. I still think it can be streamlined so that the reader gets a clear image.

    I would drop "teen spitfire." And something needs to be done with "sanity hungry" because I don't understand what that means. Maybe just drop it and leave curse unmodified. (Personally, I think a curse is more interesting if we don't know anything about it.)

    I'm also not sure about "struggles to prove him a fraud." Does that mean prove he IS human, or that he ISN'T. Again, I think it could be simplified.

    How about: When Anastasia's despised empathic abilities intensify after sharing a vision with a boy she suspects isn't human, she ignites his curse -- if she fails to accept her abilities, she will never understand their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the one line pitch alot. It reads stronger to me, but agree that it may need some slight tweaking.
    Lisa ~ YA Literature Lover

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  5. Love the one-liner! Especially 'their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart' -- it's perfect!

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  6. I like the one-liner except for the use of 'heart' twice. Dianne K. Salerno's last version (several comments up from mine) seems to be the best yet.

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  7. I like that the second one says she suspects the boy isn't human. That's an important piece of information I didn't get from the first one. Good job!

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  8. I think the one line pitch is better than the two line one,
    Margay

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  9. Love the one line logline. It would make me take a first and second look at the book.

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  10. I like the one-liner the most. I'm curious to know if he isn't human, what is he exactly. Good job.

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  11. Hmmm.. I think you are almost there but they are too wordy! I get that though b/c we all try to cram all the info. in at once--but you don't have to.

    More like:
    Anastasia rouses a strange boy's curse, despite trusting her abilities, or him, for that matter--yet their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That is a cool blogfest! Plus now I want to read your book!

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  13. I'm glad you joined - looks like great advice! I grabbed your one liner. If you have a 'fresher' one to send - email me - steenah@telus.net.

    Thanks again for joining ;)

    ReplyDelete

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