tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post2381206602484004894..comments2024-01-05T05:32:54.346-05:00Comments on S.A. Larsen, Award-winning author of middle grade & young adult fiction: LOGLINES Melting in Chocolate: Take Two!!S.A. Larsenッhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-42327980619534310722010-11-05T22:00:49.265-04:002010-11-05T22:00:49.265-04:00I'm glad you joined - looks like great advice!...I'm glad you joined - looks like great advice! I grabbed your one liner. If you have a 'fresher' one to send - email me - steenah@telus.net.<br /><br />Thanks again for joining ;)Steena Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03585255306121495098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-1517491474440213212010-11-04T15:21:52.291-04:002010-11-04T15:21:52.291-04:00That is a cool blogfest! Plus now I want to read y...That is a cool blogfest! Plus now I want to read your book!Carolyn V.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15456210036213016603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-5111196383202731882010-11-04T09:32:57.381-04:002010-11-04T09:32:57.381-04:00Hmmm.. I think you are almost there but they are t...Hmmm.. I think you are almost there but they are too wordy! I get that though b/c we all try to cram all the info. in at once--but you don't have to.<br /><br />More like:<br />Anastasia rouses a strange boy's curse, despite trusting her abilities, or him, for that matter--yet their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart.Christina Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-1076440182974281602010-11-04T07:21:38.742-04:002010-11-04T07:21:38.742-04:00I like the one-liner the most. I'm curious to ...I like the one-liner the most. I'm curious to know if he isn't human, what is he exactly. Good job.Najelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03529650047480022627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-25854663454179485732010-11-03T23:31:39.796-04:002010-11-03T23:31:39.796-04:00Love the one line logline. It would make me take ...Love the one line logline. It would make me take a first and second look at the book.Kate @Midnight Book Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01220575670960466054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-50109719063683504552010-11-03T22:40:24.242-04:002010-11-03T22:40:24.242-04:00I think the one line pitch is better than the two ...I think the one line pitch is better than the two line one,<br />MargayMargay Leah Justicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490126898758440254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-53787623535729554342010-11-03T22:35:51.396-04:002010-11-03T22:35:51.396-04:00I like that the second one says she suspects the b...I like that the second one says she suspects the boy isn't human. That's an important piece of information I didn't get from the first one. Good job!Susan Fieldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02433408456603462774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-83858688775360695902010-11-03T22:05:12.106-04:002010-11-03T22:05:12.106-04:00I like the one-liner except for the use of 'he...I like the one-liner except for the use of 'heart' twice. Dianne K. Salerno's last version (several comments up from mine) seems to be the best yet.roh morgonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06823641709307631626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-40007868697342714612010-11-03T16:26:40.703-04:002010-11-03T16:26:40.703-04:00Love the one-liner! Especially 'their mutual s...Love the one-liner! Especially 'their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart' -- it's perfect!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-1949056867295978592010-11-03T16:21:09.086-04:002010-11-03T16:21:09.086-04:00I like the one line pitch alot. It reads stronger...I like the one line pitch alot. It reads stronger to me, but agree that it may need some slight tweaking.<br /><a href="http://lisadgibson.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow"><strong>Lisa ~ YA Literature Lover</strong></a>Lisa_Gibsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17238496789960349077noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-63398505935212295262010-11-03T16:06:29.118-04:002010-11-03T16:06:29.118-04:00Sheri, I think the second one is definitely an im...Sheri, I think the second one is definitely an improvement over the first one, which I really had trouble following. I still think it can be streamlined so that the reader gets a clear image.<br /><br />I would drop "teen spitfire." And something needs to be done with "sanity hungry" because I don't understand what that means. Maybe just drop it and leave curse unmodified. (Personally, I think a curse is more interesting if we don't know anything about it.)<br /><br />I'm also not sure about "struggles to prove him a fraud." Does that mean prove he IS human, or that he ISN'T. Again, I think it could be simplified.<br /><br />How about: When Anastasia's despised empathic abilities intensify after sharing a vision with a boy she suspects isn't human, she ignites his curse -- if she fails to accept her abilities, she will never understand their mutual salvation lies hidden in the last beat of her heart.Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-27282228746289090302010-11-03T16:04:18.155-04:002010-11-03T16:04:18.155-04:00Hey Sheri, wow, these have come such a long way!!!...Hey Sheri, wow, these have come such a long way!!! I think there's a couple of teensy tweaks needed, but these are going to rock! :)<br /><br />My thoughts on the first logline: <br /><br />(1) I think you could drop "teen", as it will be clear when you submit for YA that she's a teen. (2) the phrase "despised empathic abilities intensify" is a bit unwieldy and interrupts the flow a little. What about "her empathic abilities betray her by..." That implies she isn't totally happy with them as well...just a thought (3) yeah, not sure what "sanity-hungry curse" is, can you clarify? (4) with "from him trusting him", did you mean "by trusting him"?<br /><br />With the second pitch, (1) ditto with the comments from above, (2)I really liked this line "their salvation lies hidden within the last beat of her heart" :)<br /><br />Hope this helps :)<br /><br />RachRachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4513702670120363707.post-10792250991604260082010-11-03T14:57:06.731-04:002010-11-03T14:57:06.731-04:00Sheri, I'm not sure if I absolutely love eithe...Sheri, I'm not sure if I absolutely love either of these... Here are my issues:<br /><br />When teen spitfire [not sure about this word, it seems like something a parent would say!] Anastasia shares a vision with the boy she suspects isn't totally human, her despised empathic abilities intensify and give her an insatiable desire for him [this felt really long at the end. Could it just be "her despised empathic abilities intensify her desire for him"?]. Searching to prove him a fraud ignites his sanity-hungry curse [this didn't make sense. Who's searching? And the searching ignites a curse?], and unless she accepts her abilities and true feelings from him trusting him [didn't understand this - "him trusting him?"], she will never discover her death is the cure to save them both.<br /><br />One sentence: <br /><br />When teen spitfire [same issue as above] Anastasia’s despised [this makes it sound like others despite the abilities, not her...] empathic abilities intensify after sharing a vision with a boy she suspects isn’t human, she struggles to prove him a fraud and ignites his sanity-hungry [wasn't sure what sanity hungry means!] curse—if she fails to accept her abilities and their mutual attraction, she will never see their salvation lies hidden within the last beat of her heart [this was kind of vague - I liked that it was spelled out clearly above]. <br /><br />I think if you somehow merge these two, it will all work out :)Nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951894771043230927noreply@blogger.com