Thursday, February 18, 2010

Opinions Needed

I'm shuffling around the idea of plunking a teeny new opener to one of my manuscripts. Rarely do I ask, but I need your help. Does it entice you to read, want to know more? I'm still playing with it, but I wanted to get a feel. Thanks. Opinion away...

Early Fall One Year Ago

Pulse…


Rhythmic, a drumbeat, a cadence lured him…his ears tingled. The tips of his fingers fondled the air and slowly clamped to tightened fists. His longing was being fed, caressed by the beat…the pulse. It was close. He had to know what it was, and he couldn’t let it get away, not this time…


On a damp autumn night when the air floated heavily in the fog, sometimes the moon showed itself just right. For many reasons Viktor had recognized it. In an eerie way, it felt familiar: peculiar and foretelling, like centuries ago when he battled for his life and was thrust into his solitary existence. He’d been attacked by a crazed Temptress from the Shadow Court who was avenging the pain of his breakup with her friend, Idalia. But what she had found was of greater value than simple revenge.

8 comments:

  1. Mommy like! (a reference to myself to make me sound cooler, though I have a feeling it extracts the opposite).

    The sentence "His longing was being fed, caressed by the beat...the pulse." I felt it. Beautiful. It does make me want to read more (and I'm quite picky, so refer to my first sentence if you need reassurance!).

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  2. Hah! That's great. Referring to yourself as Mommy is awesome, confident. This mommy likes. Ooh, okay. I see what you mean, now.

    Anyway, thanks for your opinion. And you are officially my first out-of-the-norm friend/family comment!! You've made my day. Thanks! I'd offer you a Hot Head, but I'm out. :)

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  3. OMGosh! Just noticed your shirt, Candyland. I. Love. That. Hah!

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  4. Maybe if we use "Mommy like" only when referring to our children it would sound a little less, what's the word, un-cool? Eh, I guess I'm okay with un-cool though. It's gotten me this far.

    Anywho, you are welcome for the comment! Thank you for posting something worth reading! So in turn, we made each other's day:)
    A fresh pair of eyes outside of a trusted circle always helps me out.

    My shirt. I used to perform every Thursday at a jacked hole-in-the-wall bar where they barely raised their heads to acknowledge my existence. It's my ode to them. For without them, I'd still think I could have made it as a musician (she says bowing).

    *Sorry for my rant. Coffee infested my brain as I was typing this**

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  5. Thank you. My brain's infested with more than a pot of coffee this morning: too many kids running ramped around my house!! Off to another freaking, freezing ice rink for more coffee. Write later, right? Dang hockey.

    *B in touch*

    Oh, checked out your blog; I'm now a follower. Nice!

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  6. I know the feeling. MY 3 yr old has the flu of sorts so I'm covered in mucus most of the days lately.

    Thanks for checking out the blog! It's still fairly new, so I'm grateful for any new followers (that'd be you).
    :)

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  7. On a damp autumn night when the air floated heavily in the fog, sometimes the moon showed itself just right. In an eerie way, it felt familiar: peculiar and foretelling.


    I'd start with this. This is very intriguing - but not sure if you want to tell how he was made just yet...maybe hint at it?

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  8. Yeah M, that's what I meant when I said I wanted to make sure this was Ana's story. I mean it is his, too, but obviously more hers. I do like what I came up with earlier, although I've tweaked it a bit:

    He stopped and gripped his chest. The sound was hollowed, yet near him, almost inside. The sound was a lullaby, awakening his troubled past…his ears tingled. The tips of his fingers fondled the air and slowly clamped to tightened fists. His longing was being fed, caressed by the beat…the pulse. He had to know what it was. He couldn’t let it get away, not this time…

    And then go with 'On a damp autumn night...' I think telling the binds of his curse is needed here. You know to give to his desperation and his wavering when he finds Ana. But I do agree that the 'how' he was infected needs to come later. Only when???

    Thanks.

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