I'm foregoing this Insecure Writer's Support Group monthly question to share a cause that is dear to me and has, in the past, caused me some insecurity. I'd love it if you'd comment, sharing from your experiences or opinions, but I completely understand if you don't. A huge 'thank you' goes out to this month's co-hosts: Gwen Gardner, Doreen McGettigan, Tyrean Martinson, Chemist Ken, and Cathrina Constantiner! For more participants, go HERE.
My Spotlight On September 4th
I talk about mental illness and depression from personal experience, one I RARELY expose.
When I was around twelve years old, my mother was diagnosed as a severe or manic depressant. (Today, I believe it would be classified as bi-polar. Please correct me if I'm wrong.) For the remainder of my school-aged years, my father spent most of his time refereeing for her, while I shielded my younger brother of four years from any of the backlash. Yelling, throwing things, crying, complaining, grabbing my arms, being dissonant, and over-dosing on sleep. That's what I remember her doing all those years.
Growing up was tough. She threatened suicide sometimes, which made coming home from school kind of scary. I never knew what I might find. My mother wasn't a bad person. Frankly, she had a huge heart, always wanting to help others or be involved. But so often, her emotions (or so we thought) prevented her from doing so. She was sick, but nobody back then looked at it that way. She was moody or ornery or high maintenance. Other than taking her to therapist after therapist - that always failed - she never got any other help, partly her own doing. Everything was everyone else's fault. I even agreed to go to therapy with her in my later teen years to help her, and all she ended up doing was telling the therapist how wrong I was about everything. I don't think that's what she meant. It's just her view of reality was so eschewed that she didn't know any other way to act or communicate.
Her behavior, attitudes, and roller coaster emotions were so confusing to grow up with, which made being the oldest extra rough. My dad tried everything, but nothing could ever make her happy, make her well. And that unhappiness needed an outlet. I've never, EVER said this out loud (Well, other than to my husband), but most of that unhappiness landed on me - the oldest child, a girl who was expected to grow up so fast. I feel like this is me crapping on my mom, but people have to realize that a family member with a mental illness is a family with mental illness. It affects every single member.
It wasn't until my mid-thirties that I realized how emotionally damaged I really was, the reason I had a hard time to show love, the reason I was terrified to accept love. I know this must sound seriously messed up to some of you, but I've never put my feelings about all of this into words. I've tried. I've just never been strong enough. I think I am now.
I've had a young adult story about a patient of mental illness and the affects it has on a child growing up within that perfect storm stewing within me for over fifteen years. I know I must write it. I think I'm finally ready. I want children/families with members suffering from mental illness to know that they can advocate for their loved one . . . but they also should advocate for themselves.
Something I wish someone would have told me when I was younger.
Thank you for listening. <3
Please scroll to the bottom of this post to enter for your chance to WIN the special giveaway I'm offering up.
Facebook LIVE Event!
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What you'll get:
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I'll be keeping this giveaway open until the Live Facebook Event on September 10th, so the more you spread the word the more chances you'll have to win!
This is a safe zone. If you'd like to share an experience or feelings about mental illness and/or suicide, you are more than welcomed to do so. Thank you for stopping by to visit the Alleyway!
It's a shame your mother couldn't get the proper care back then.
ReplyDeleteIt really is. And it wasn't until I was in my thirties that I realized that.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about your mother. And I find it inspiring that this awareness tour exists.
ReplyDeleteI do, too. <3 I'm glad we can talk about this. It's important. Maybe if there would have been discussions like this back then I would have known what to do.
DeleteThank you for sharing your heart with us today! I think your saying "...is a family with mental illness" is spot on. Glad you can help others understand more about this.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Delete*hugs* You're right that it's not just a person with mental illness, it's the whole family.
ReplyDeleteI didn't grow up with it. The family of my youth didn't have problems with mental illness. But I married a man who was bipolar. It wasn't something we have a name for. Just that he had periods where he wanted to kill himself. He was a veteran, and we were dirt poor with no insurance, so he went to the VA. They asked if he wanted to kill himself at the moment. He said he didn't. They said they could do nothing for him. The next time he was in the depressed state, he killed himself. I was 26 with two children under four.
Suicide is the gift that just keeps on giving, for children. How do you explain that their daddy was sick and didn't really want to leave them, that he was hurting and the sickness made him think it was the only was to get better? A counselor told me that children have to make peace with the suicide--over and over again. They may find balance with it but then they grow older and their ability to understand grows and changes. And they have to make peace with it all over again. And again. And again.
Bipolar is said to be the mental illness most like to be genetic. My second husband, I believe, is also bipolar though not nearly as bad. But one of my children from my first marriage has it, and two of the kids from my second marriage have it. All three have attempted suicide and one of the boys spent fifteen months in an adolescent treatment center. The children who are biologically more like me don't have it.
When my daughter (from the first marriage) started cutting, I told her that she had options that her dad didn't have and she should avail herself of them. She'd married right out of high school and had a baby the next year. When she cut herself bad enough to need stitches, she had to get some help and has been the most proactive about it since. That was many years ago. It's still hard on all of them and their families. But there are options now. Life can still be good when you have mental illness in your family. It's a dang lot of work.
I am so sorry for so much of what you've shared. I'm glad you felt you could do that here. *hugs* It angers me how the VA let you and your young husband down. Just the other day, I read that 20 veterans a day take their own lives. TWENTY! What are we doing? We must help them. They are only in this position because they served and protected us. And my heart just bleeds for your children. No, it's not something you can really explain to a child and make them okay with it, with losing their daddy. I'm so sorry this debilitating disease has followed your family. I will keep you in my prayers. <3
DeleteMental illness affects the entire family and those around them. I've been through more than my share of battles with three of my 5 children. It comes in all shapes and sizes and can be, sometimes, hard to distinguish when they try to keep it hidden. Those battles aren't mine to share, but I was on the receiving end and did a ton of praying for the right course of action.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this! You are very strong to keep those battles told for those whom they belong. It's definitely not easy.
DeleteI know about depression. It's kept me out of touch for years. Not many understand and yeah, I get the 'smile' comment all the time. It hurts more then they'll ever know.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is a gift all of us should enjoy.
Anna from elements of emaginette
Acceptance . . . you are so correct.
Deletenice of you to share
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI think it's an extremely important topic.
ReplyDeleteIT's SO HARD to put these things into words and onto paper. You're amazing!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an important topic.
For several years I ran a classroom specifically targeting children with behavioural and social disorders. One little guy had 8 diagnoses including bipolar (which is not always diagnosed until children are 14 here). So difficult for that little body to understand what was happening within himself.
Understanding the impacts of mental health issues is vital - and not easy. Each issue has its own challenges and presents differently in every person. I've worked with multiple students who have been suicidal and/or who have attempted suicide. Thankfully all have survived and are stronger each day.
Thanks so much for sharing such a personal and challenging topic/story.
Sending you all the hugs!
I appreciate your kind words. You're so correct. This is such a vast topic. Mental Health is way more broad then we publicly give it credit. It's time to do so, and to take the illness for what it is - a disease, in whatever form it takes.
DeleteThank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you and your family
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the hugs and that you took the time to read. <3
DeleteMy brother took his life 7yrs ago he was 21. I am a suicide survivor myself
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss! And the courage you must possess to be a survivor yourself...I'm glad you chose to stay. <3
DeleteMy husband is going through a lot of depression and anxiety right now. We can't seem to find the right medications to help him.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter's dad attempted taking his life six weeks ago. I see him daily. It has made me very self conscious about what I say and do around him. I don't know if that's a fair thing to him or me.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an important topic. Thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteYes I have battled with depression my whole life and now I am dealing with my son mental illness I just try to make it day by day
ReplyDeleteLoved this post! I know what you have experienced. I have, too. It isn't easy living with someone who has mental illness.
ReplyDelete