Friday, September 9, 2011

First Impressions: Page One

Not sure if you've heard what my good writer friends Dianne and Marcy are up to these days. They've joined forces, offering a critique of first pages a few times each month. Well, seeing how I finally starting writing my YA paranormal fantasy ~ GYPSY DOLLS: Carnival of Souls, I offered to be their guinea pig today! I'd love it if you'd head over to Dianne's Blog and/or Marcy's Blog and give me a shout-out. Your opinion is important to me. But before you do, here's my one-line pitch & blurb for the story:

One line pitch:

A wannabe witch knows nothing about gypsies or demons, until her sticky fingers lead her beyond a stint at Juvenile Hall and into a dark realm divided by two brothers.

A brutal home break-in leaves Jacquie Evans' mother partially-comatose, her father presumed dead, and this ex-juvenile hall resident needing someone to blame.

She starts working at the witchy Magick and Tattoo Parlor, suspiciously linked to evidence found at the crime scene otherwise known as Jacquie’s home. Snooping through amulets, Wisdom Cards, body paints and fabrics triggers memories of a time when her father took her there. What she doesn’t expect to find is the interest of Mick Lunt, reserved artist at the shop who specializes in demon art, envied master gamer, and hunky eye-candy to every girl in town.

Girls begin to disappear as Jacquie uncovers secrets about the crime and the town’s gypsy past.  Her snooping exposes her to a threat who’s been watching her---Mick’s younger brother and necromancer, Aiden who happens to be dead. Each time Mick shields Jacquie from Aiden, she peels away his protective layers to find more than her reticent savior—Mick's a rebel death dealer who carried out Lucifer’s sentence against his brother’s soul. Angered by Mick’s lies, Jacquie turns to Aiden for answers about her parents’ attack and becomes the mortal pawn between the two brothers. Both have developed a sweet and dangerous taste for her. And with Hell at her doorstep, her choices could cost Jacquie more than her soul. It could kill her mother.

GYPSY DOLLS: Carnival of Souls is a 75,000 word YA paranormal fantasy with World of Warcraft necromancers, x-Box-playing death dealers, mystical cumulus drops, and family ties that will blur the lines of Heaven and Hell.
Hope to see you over at Dianne and Marcy's blogs. Can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks for any and all suggestions.




  1. Sounds pretty great and a hot topic! Best of luck!

  2. Dianne's post is next on my dashboard. Off to check it out. Good luck with the querying. :D

  3. whoa! that sounds INTENSE Sheri! Love it!

  4. Sounds cool. Just left a comment on Marcy's blog.

  5. Nice query! I'd totally want to read this.

  6. Thanks, Ibdiamond. A reaction like that is encouraging!

  7. Woohoo! Sounds so awesome! Good luck!

  8. Hi, Sheri! You had me hooked at the logline! It sounds fantastic and I <3 your query!

    You know, when you buy a Dodge Durango, it's interesting all the other Durangos you see driving around you. The same it is with the genre we write.

    I've written a witchy book Darkspell, and now I'm seeing witch books. It's great and validates the fact that this is certainly meant to be!

    Btw, I love how your title gives you room for a series!

    Heading over to Marcy and Dianne's blogs now.

    Happy Friday!


    Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?

    YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

  9. Sheri, I just came back from Dianne's blog and I SO love the voice. There's no question that she has a gruff personality and she is so Gothic! I like her already and the cover is simply FABULOUS! <3

  10. Great one-line pitch and that query definitely would have made me request pages! I love that Diane and Marcy are doing this. My critique sisters and I do something similar each month as well. Perhaps if enough of us start helping each other like this then more and more authors will start landing agents and publishing contracts!

  11. I love it! It's sound like such a fun read and I love the voice too. :)

  12. Already been and I'm excited for you and this book! YAY!! If you change anything major about the beginning and want to workshop the first 100 words, send it to mine and Stina's wroskshop too!

  13. Wow! Thanks everyone. So encouraging to know that I can finally write a pitch and query. Haha.... Yay!! Now I just have to finish the book. :)

  14. Hi, Nice to meet you, I am another from the writers Campaign. Love your up beat blog and you sound so energetic, how do you do it with 4 not so young teens

  15. Hi, Sheri,

    Wow, what a premise. This sounds amazing.... I want to read it! Off to Diane's blog....

  16. That's a great query!

    And what a great thing Diane and Marcy are doing.

  17. Your book sounds awesome! You have a great writing style.

    I'm in your campaign group. It's great to meet you.


  18. oh, man. I'm so behind and buried. And I missed all of this, but I will say that premise and query sound fantastic! What a fun book! I hope you got some great feedback. Good luck!!! :o) <3

  19. Come to France! We have LOADS of gypsies! WOW! Sheri, this query rocks, as does the one-liner. I'm impressed!


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