First Impressions: Page One

Not sure if you've heard what my good writer friends Dianne and Marcy are up to these days. They've joined forces, offering a critique of first pages a few times each month. Well, seeing how I finally starting writing my YA paranormal fantasy ~ GYPSY DOLLS: Carnival of Souls, I offered to be their guinea pig today! I'd love it if you'd head over to Dianne's Blog and/or Marcy's Blog and give me a shout-out. Your opinion is important to me. But before you do, here's my one-line pitch & blurb for the story:

One line pitch:

A wannabe witch knows nothing about gypsies or demons, until her sticky fingers lead her beyond a stint at Juvenile Hall and into a dark realm divided by two brothers.

Query:

A brutal home break-in leaves Jacquie Evans' mother partially-comatose, her father presumed dead, and this ex-juvenile hall resident needing someone to blame.

She starts working at the witchy Magick and Tattoo Parlor, suspiciously linked to evidence found at the crime scene otherwise known as Jacquie’s home. Snooping through amulets, Wisdom Cards, body paints and fabrics triggers memories of a time when her father took her there. What she doesn’t expect to find is the interest of Mick Lunt, reserved artist at the shop who specializes in demon art, envied master gamer, and hunky eye-candy to every girl in town.

Girls begin to disappear as Jacquie uncovers secrets about the crime and the town’s gypsy past.  Her snooping exposes her to a threat who’s been watching her---Mick’s younger brother and necromancer, Aiden who happens to be dead. Each time Mick shields Jacquie from Aiden, she peels away his protective layers to find more than her reticent savior—Mick's a rebel death dealer who carried out Lucifer’s sentence against his brother’s soul. Angered by Mick’s lies, Jacquie turns to Aiden for answers about her parents’ attack and becomes the mortal pawn between the two brothers. Both have developed a sweet and dangerous taste for her. And with Hell at her doorstep, her choices could cost Jacquie more than her soul. It could kill her mother.

GYPSY DOLLS: Carnival of Souls is a 75,000 word YA paranormal fantasy with World of Warcraft necromancers, x-Box-playing death dealers, mystical cumulus drops, and family ties that will blur the lines of Heaven and Hell.

Hope to see you over at Dianne and Marcy's blogs. Can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks for any and all suggestions.

~Hearts~

Sheri